Music For Cats

This is my cat Sami, the other day she jumped into a window and saw another cat off out the garden, it was jokes. Sami is also a lover of music. Much like humans, cats can enjoy a wide range of music, as well as display emotions and communicate just like real people, only with way more dilation of pupils and movements of the ears and shit, some dude’s even come up with an album full of music designed for cats.

I decided to follow Sami around for the day, blasting music at her at various intervals, in order to gauge what kind of music makes her tick. Here are the results:

Lull – Slow Fall Inward

Lull is some sinister fucking shit, spawned from the twisted imagination of ex-Napalm Death drummer Mick Harris for the purpose of creating music that would stretch the boundaries of music, by making music entirely without beats. ‘Slow Fall Inward’ is the perhaps the most malevolent of Cold Summer‘s collection of subtle, but incredibly unnerving ambient movements in the lower spectrum.

Sami’s reaction: You ever given a cat catnip? Cool, you ever had some bad drugs and then a bad trip? This is pretty much what happened, Sami literally spent the duration of the album meowing at me and hunting for whatever the fuck that is making that noise. Ffs Rich you’re supposed to be my giant buddy what r u doin, she got really fluffed up as well. Cats confirmed for not getting abstract musical concepts.

Turn It Off Fam

Enemy Soil – Group Think

Backed up by one of the only excusable drum machines in grindcore history, Enemy Soil’s Casualties Of Progress is probably the most brutal, stripped down, hateful fucking grindcore racket of the 20th century. Backed up by a pounding drum machine, dope samples and unbridled fury, first track off of the album ‘Group Think’ is no exception.

Sami’s Reaction: Cats love metal, my previous cat buddy used to chill and listen to Bathory and Sepultura and be mad relaxed. Cats have amusia so all the screaming and shit probably reminds them of animal noises. In reaction to ‘Group Think’ She scatted out pretty hard, I wasn’t too keen on the whole drum machine thing either when I first heard Enemy Soil in fairness. Essentially she decided to do a few laps of the house and then attacked a piece of string for 10 minutes.

The Absolute Madman(cat)

Pharmakon – Milkweed/It Hangs Heavy

Pharmakon ticks all the boxes; power electronics, associated with David Lynch (she’s signed to his Sacred Bones label) and some of the most torturous, unsettling music ever to be put to record. As soon as I heard the vocals splattered across the half hour tour of the audial cavern of hatred that is ‘Milkweed/It Hangs Heavy’I knew I wanted Pharmakon to be my waifu.

Sami’s Reaction: Many cats seem to have an appreciation for low tempo noise, she literally just sits there and blinks (when a cat blinks, that’s an indicator that they’re relaxed). Whilst I’m feeling myself enthralled by Pharmakon’s horrifically brilliant anguish, amidst a collage of hateful screaming, Viking war horns and walls of distorted noise: Sami is perfectly relaxed. Perhaps reminded of the noises she would enjoy if she lived in the wild as opposed to being trash and sitting around all day.

Get A Damn Job Sami

Drudkh – Sunwheel

Ukrainian atmospheric Black Metal outfit Drudkh are great and their album Autumn Aurora is a great example of eastern european folk-tinged atmospheric black metal. Built upon reverence of the spirits of the ancient forest through walls of serenely produced noise, the album is a surprisingly relaxed meditation on black metal.

Sami’s Reaction: Upon listening to ‘Sunwheel’, Sami decided to go and reconnect with the spirits of the forest. Heading into the garden and started making friends with the vegetation, presumably also with the spirits of the diminutive forest within the garden.

Hello Leaves How Are You

Bring Me The Horizon – Throne

Bring Me The Horizon (aka Bring Me The Cock/Hair Straighteners) are perhaps one of the dullest bands ever to exist, despite the fact that Oli Sykes definitely did piss on one of his fans ten years ago. When Oli Sykes jumped up on the Coldplay dudes’ table at the NME Awards this year, he inadvertently took Chris Martin’s throne as the most boring dude in British music, Ironically segueing into the next audial piece of shit I would expose my cat to: Bring Me The Horizon’s ‘Throne’.

Sami’s Reaction: Fell asleep.

Me Too

Night night Sami :3

Richard Lowe

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