We’re all terrible people so here are some positive changes that the UTM editors are going to make for 2016.
Figure Out What Defending Pop Punk Actually Means
When pop punk hit its mainstream peak with Blink-182 and Sum 41, I was 10. Pop punk seemed fun, you could run around naked, destroy skateboards and shout “GET OUTTA MY ROOM, MOOM!”
Naturally, I grew out of the genre that had such a fixation on teenage tomfoolery, but a few years ago I saw a t-shirt that said “DEFEND POP PUNK.”
“Why?” I thought. Pop punk died a long time ago, didn’t it? How can you defend something that is already dead? This isn’t the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier; it’s a childish genre for people that cling onto their spoilt, middle class youth.
Yet here people are, walking around with merchandise surreptitiously urging people to join the cause. What even is pop punk now, after all these years? Who are they defending it from? Are there people wearing “DESTROY POP PUNK” t-shirts in some musical civil war? (Note to self: this would make great counter-culture merch)
There are so many questions that need answering. I need to figure out what defending pop punk actually means, so I can…
Use That To Kill Pop Punk
FUCK MY ASS, POP PUNK IS BAD. While I went off exploring the musical landscape, discovering the joys of many different forms of music, pop punk kiddies were desperately clawing through the late noughties developing the ‘scene’. Good Lord, it got bad. What started off as a just-for-fun genre turned into a ‘THIS IS SERIOUS, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME MOM’ genre.
It’s depressing that something that used to be fun turned into an embarrassment. That’s why in 2016 my resolution is to find out how these kiddies on the scene are keeping pop punk alive, how they are defending it, so I can destroy it for humanity’s sake.
When I get there, I’ll need all the help I can get. Keep an eye out for my “DESTROY POP PUNK” clothing range, so you can help kill pop punk dead.
(P.S. Jimmy Eat World and Taking Back Sunday can stay. They cool.)
Appreciate These People for Their Music Rather Than Their Memes
Billy Corgan: It’s pretty terrible that I probably know more about Billy Corgan’s cats than I do about Smashing Pumpkins. Like, they have a song about a baby, right? My knowledge doesn’t really stretch beyond that, but if they can provide me with as many hours of entertainment as this video, I’ll be into it.
DJ Khaled: Like everyone else, I’ve laughed, cried and pondered life’s infinite mysteries while viewing DJ Khaled’s Snapchat. whether it’s screaming “LION!!!” at his lion statues a 45685746th time or getting lost on a jet ski at the darkest hours, every ten second bite is an important life lesson. However, understanding what Khaled actually does feels like the final key to success, because ultimately, I really want my own lion statue.
Varg Vikernes: Maybe it’s my inner edgy teen, but there’s something inexplicably funny about Varg, he’s like your favourite racist uncle and your least favourite racist cult at the same time. He did kill a man, burnt down a few churches and is probably really into Game of Thrones, but he does insane and goofy shit like the video below about marrying a “good and traditional women.” Regardless, Burzum is a name that always comes up when I get recommended black metal, and I really want conversations about bm to extend beyond “b…but Sunbather?” (sorry Rich)
Drop An Album
2015 was a really shit year for getting things we actually wanted, none of the promised albums from Kanye/Rihanna/Frank/Brand New/James Blake turned up and we’re all pretty pissed about it. However, I’ve actually realised that I have no right to complain, because I also failed to drop an album last year. Understandable really, watching 2D girls trapped in a complex love heptagon is a pretty time consuming hobby.
So, in 2016 I vow to break this collective hesitation and finally drop a full length project on Thank Records™. So expect something from either When Dogs Die (punk rock duo with songs as short as our moments of joy) BANGERMAN (like vapourwave, but with slowed down Enter Shikari tracks, which sounds nothing like vapourwave tbh), Lil’ Hellhound (I rapped once, it fucking sucked) Sandwich, Puppy Pool Party or EVIL CHVRCHES (all these ideas are completely horrible), then maybe we’ll finally get Boys Don’t Cry.
Return These Socks I Got For Christmas
I just needed an achievable goal really.
Go To More Raves
My New Years resolution is to go to more raves. Going raving is awesome, it’s pretty much the only situation where you can be munching the left side of your face off, chat bollocks and everyone will still be mostly nice to/tolerant of you.
Apart from when I went to Hannah Wants, where she dropped Born Slippy and about ¾ of people there had no idea what Born Slippy was and looked a bit confused, which was hilarious, I didn’t really get out to nights where I actually enjoyed the music in 2015. The one exception was seeing Skepta with the UTM crewdem and getting laughed at by knuckledragging deep house denizens for enjoying ourselves/being mad gurny, which was great. Electronic music is best appreciated in a darkened room filled with good vibes and likeminded individuals coming together to enjoy music they love, it’s the apex of the 21st century music experience and it’s always a positive one.
Going to the rave is about togetherness, it’s about community, offering your fellow man some riz and conversing about shit neither of you will remember the next day or losing your mind when that biiiiig tune I’ve been listening to on repeat for months drops unexpectedly, it’s a spiritual gap in my life that I need to fill.
Nathan Butler, Connor Cass & Richard Lowe